HEPCAT QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:

FROM:  KARI - SAN FRANCISCO, Duh

DEAR HEPPY:
My cat Petey (a girl) is mean to my cat Sally (also a
girl).  How can I get Petey to be nicer?

DEAR KARI,
Hep says you're the second person she has met from
Duh.  Freaky, huh?

She wants to know how you're defining "mean".  For
example, she says, she wacks Bagheera in the head
every time she comes within two feet of her, which Hep
points out is not mean, but rather life as it should
be.  Besides, she says that Bagheera, who is dumb as a
dust puppy on every other level, can now measure two
feet with remarkable accuracy.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM:  MAGGIE - FORT COLLINS, CO

DEAR HEPPY:
My name is Autumn.  I am a multi-colored tabby.  I
pretty much have my owner wrapped around my thumb,
with one exception.  I have developed an insistent
need to have the faucet in the bathtub turned on at
least 5 times a day, so I may muse at it, and drink
the wonderful fresh stuff right from the tap.  My
owner rarely comply's with my demand.  What should I
do?

DEAR AUTUMN,
I shot a super soaker at a wild band of raccoons I
caught pilfering from my mulch pile a few weeks back.
They skittered down the street, but came back with
more friends the following night. It wasn't my
intention, but I think they loved the water.  I think
they left to fetch their garbage picking pals yelling,
"Party at Poundstones!"

Stupidly, I threw water balloons at them the next
night.  Now they'll probably come for New Year's.

Hep says that, although it's always important to
badger (a sentiment she shares with my children), the
truth is water is a valuable resource that should not
be wasted.  Without it we could not pee just outside
the litterbox.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM:  ELIZABETH - LOS ANGELES, CA

DEAR HEP:
O.K. Hep--my cat, Emma is fine and now will listen to
me sing all the time (she used to run away whenever I
started to practice).  My question is, when will I
start trusting my voice and stop adding that little
grab/tension effort that obstructs the beauty of the
sound and thus my ability to express--especially will
I be able to trust myself by Sept. (when my Kurt Weill
show opens in Pas. and sf--) --arghhhh!!!

DEAR ELIZABETH,
How did your show go?  Hep tried to get tickets, but
she's an indoor cat.  She says she is sorry she didn't
get back to you before on your time sensitive
question, but she really knows nothing about singing.

My dog, Cal, is quite a singer, but Hep hates him so
much she wouldn't even ask him

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM:  MOLLY - LAS VEGAS, NV.

Dear Hep:
I wanna know how I can get my tiny possums to let me
hold them and not run into their critter trails tubes
every time I walk into the room!!

Dear Molly,
Hep says to pretend to be dead.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM:  AMBER - SUDBURY, ONTARIO

Dear Hepcat:
My name is Kissifur and I am four years old.  I am a
tortoise shell and I love catnip, tinfoil balls.  I
like to sit on papers, keyboards and I drink water out
of any tap.  Are you looking for a friend, or uh, mate?
I heard your meow and went NUTZ. I think you are a
fine feline!

Dear Kissifur,
If I did not have a bunny named Softy I would make fun
of your name.

Hep says she shares your interest in sitting, but just
isn't interested in a relationship right now, but I
think she's just saying that. Really, I think it's the
name.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM:  CHERYL - DAYTON, OH.

Dear Hep:
My cats, Zoe and Charlotte, love to sleep in bed with
my husband and me.  I like having kitties curled up by
me, but my husband doesn't and wants them out of the
bedroom.  I hate to tell him to sleep somewhere else,
since he's a pretty good guy, but I just can't kick
the cats out either.  How can I get my husband to
change his mind?  P.S., tell Paula I just watched her
latest comedy performance on BRAVO, and she was hilarious.

Dear Cheryl,
Hep wants to know what a husband is.

I sleep on the floor in the living room and we've
never had an overcrowding problem.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM:  SAMANTHA - DURHAM, CT.

Dear Hep:
I have 5 brothers and a sister.  I am the cutest and
nicest.  However, my Mom is REALLY ticked off royally
at my handsome black bro - Simon and my other sibling
Fast Eddie (who is just a copycat)

They sidle up to a wall or a chair or whatever they
fancy and they put their "eau de Backend" on it.  When
my Mom discovers it, the air gets really Blue around
her and she says words that I do not understand. My
brothers are "sons of cats" not dogs.  Anyway, do you
have any suggestions to stop all the turmoil???  Other
than sending them on retreat to a Chinese restaurant?
Please help us Hepcat!

Dear Samantha,
Hep is one of a houseful females because I fear this
spraying thing, but they're often up all night talking
about shoe shopping, so it's a trade off.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM:  PATRICE - VANCOUVER, WA.

Dear Heppy:
Because none of my 3 cats speak to me I would like to
know why Skitter and Khali (both females) spray as a
male cat would on my shrubbery outside - and how is
this physically possible for the girls?????? Please
help Hep.
Thanks.

Dear Patrice,
Hep says she doesn't go out and can't speak for all
cats, but that when she peed down the slats in the
back of the television two other cats held her front
paws.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM:  CANDACE - SAN LEANDRO, CA.

Dear Hepcat:
When will Paula be in the San Francisco area again for
stand-up?

Dear Candace,
I showed Hep your note.  She stared at me long and
hard and asked if I knew that monks were leading
thousands of people in protest marches in Myanmar. 

I said, "Where's that."  and she said it used to be
called Burma. 

I said, "It's still not ringing a bell, was it called
anything before that?" and she stalked out of the
room.

I'm gonna be in the Bay area this weekend.  I think
it's important.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM:  HARLEY - CHARLOTTE, N.C.

Dear Hepcat:
Which is better, dry food or wet?  Also, should we
find the company that poisoned the cat food and slash
the executives tires??

Dear Harley,
It has been so long since I fed Hep wet food, I don't
think she remembers.  At this point, to Hep, wet food
is the one or two pieces of dry food that Laurel
insists on scooping into the water dish each day.

I am sure, were it up to Hep, that she would like a
private chef and a taster, but unfortunately Richie
Rich wasn't the character with the animal hording
problem who plucked her from the cage at the back of
the cat rescue place.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM:  DAMON - DENVER, CO.

Dear Hepcat:
I am a huge Paula fan and am very glad to see her
making a comeback.  (that sort of implies there was a
'goaway', which could be perceived as an insult, but
shouldn't be)

Please continue to take good care of Paula for us.  We
enjoy her work a great deal.  All someone has to do is
walk up to me and go "We 'hate' the people on the
right." and I will literally lol.

So, riddle me this, Hepcat:
Where can I get a copy of "Cats, Cops and Stuff"?  I
can't find it anywhere!

Please help!

Dear Damon,
Thanks for your note.  Hep says she is not remotely
interested in taking care of me and she thinks there
are copies of "Cats, Cops, and Stuff" in the garage,
but there are rats out there too and Heaven forbid she
risk losing a tuft or two of fur going up against a
rodent. 

I'm really into my lizard lately.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  ART
FROM: SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS

DEAR HEP,
I have discovered that I have a talent for extricating
cats from locations they should have thought about
before entering.  The latest is a small kitten from
the rear underside of a Honda Accord - head first
between the frame and gas tank.  Does Heppy see a
business opportunity in this?

DEAR ART,
Hep worries that, since cats' whiskers are used to
measure their girth so they don't squish their bodies
into spaces their whiskers can't clear, someone who
profited from a cats' misfortunes might be tempted to
clip a cat's whiskers so they could charge for a
heroic rescue.  There's probably a business
opportunity in just about everything except that which
I lay my hand to, but I agree with Hep, some things
should be paid with a simple purr.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  JEANNIE
FROM: SCARSDALE, NEW YORK

DEAR HEPPY,
I'm 40 years old - is that too old to go back to
school to become a nurse?  All three of my kids will
be in school full time in the fall.  Just wondering.
Tell Hep thanks for the insight.

DEAR JEANNIE,
Hep believes you should do as much as you can while
you can still bathe yourself.  She says once your fur
clumps up there aren't as many opportunities.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  GAIL
FROM: TULSA, OKLAHOMA

DEAR HEPPY,
Is there such a thing as samecat syndrome?  Our last
two cats were identical, now we again have two grey
tabbies, acquired at different times, who look just
like each other.  My husband, a former dog man, is
confused.

DEAR GAIL,
Hep says each cat is unique.  She says they're like
snowflakes except you can't shovel them, they don't
cancel school when lots come at once, and they don't
improve ski conditions.

Although she bears no prejudice towards your mixed
marriage, she wonders what's so confusing to your dog
man husband about cats having some similarities.  She
pointed out, with a kind of, "isn't it obvious?" flick
of her whiskers that Lassie was played by several dogs
and Timmy never seemed the wiser.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  DAYNA
FROM: NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS

DEAR PAULA,
Can you please ask Hep Cat what canned cat food will
NOT make my two cats throw up?  No matter what we feed
them, they continue to vomit (sometimes in unison) on
our carpet.  I pose my question to you as a last
resort before my fiancé kills one or both of my
babies.  Thanks!

DEAR DAYNA,
Hep says it's not the food, they're bulimic.  Clip
their whiskers and they'll think they lost weight.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME: CHERYL
FROM: BETHLEHEM, PA.

DEAR HEP,
Sorry for another e :), but any advise for my lil domino cat (11 years old on March 17 and weighs 15.5 lbs)  a.k.a. known as the dominator.  I have a very tiny house and no where for him to run (I truly agonize over this) any kitty exercises for him?  I used to live in a big house - he is a very cool cat - plays fetch (yup) talks (yup) begs (yup).  I think he's amazing.  He is the love of my life… We want to win ticket to see you at the Sellersville, PA show in May!!!!
Cheers and headbutts.

DEAR CHERYL,
Hep lost a few ounces laughing at your question. Kitty exercises?  In between gasping for air she said to tell you that cats don't do crunches.

I hope you won tickets to my show in Sellersville.
Anybody who can bring that kind of joy to Hep deserves that and all of the best Sellersville has to offer.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME: CARMEN
FROM: DOUGLASVILLE, GEORGIA

DEAR HEP CAT,
Did Paula ever live in a small town called Canton, MO.
when she was a young girl?

DEAR CARMEN,
Hep says she doesn't have a clue where I used to live,
but that she's fairly certain she saw me cleaning up a
major mayonnaise spill in the kitchen a few days ago.

She says there may be some value in studying the life
of Elizabeth Stanton, Abraham Lincoln and Martin
Luther King, but neither she nor the World Book
Encyclopedia have room for the study of me.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME: NEELIX
FROM: HOUSTON, TEXAS

DEAR HEP,
This is from Toni-Ann and Dita's 3 cats.  Have you
listened to the song "Meow" by Cheryl Wheeler?  Our
people play it for us - it is an ode to cats
everywhere.  I think you would like it.  Also Paula
would enjoy "I'm Unworthy" by CW.  We think Paula and
Cheryl should do a show together - although we would
have to get the humans those NASA diapers to get
through it all.

DEAR NEELIX, G'KAR AND DAX,
I didn't know there was a song called "Meow".  Heppy
sings it all of the time.  It must be stuck in her
head the way "Angie Baby" by Helen Reddy is stuck in
mine.

Hep says Cheryl Wheeler stole it.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  CATHERINE
FROM: LONDON ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR HEPCAT,
My spouse is allergic to cats, but cats are so
wonderful and my favorite animal.  I want a cat in my
life.  What do I do? 

P.S. Getting rid of my spouse is not an option.

DEAR CATHERINE
Hep wants to know if you ever saw "Boy in A Bubble?"

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  R.L.
FROM: MORGANTOWN, WV.

DEAR HEPPY,
I have 7 or 9 cats on the porch (the number changes
from day to day) and I'm running out of names.  I have
Pico, Murphy, Beep, and Snotbag.  I need more good
names for cats.  What does Heppy suggest?

DEAR R.L.:
Hep says you ran out of names just before Beep and
Snotbag.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  BOO AND MURPHY
FROM: DISCOVERY BAY, CALIFORNIA

DEAR HEP,
Our dogs, Boo and Murphy, would like to know why on
earth you have 10 cats.  And they told me (they both
talk to me, and I talk to them) that while you're
hilarious, if you have 10 cats, you're not quite
right.  And then you have that dragon thing that the
cats might eat! Yech.

DEAR BOO AND MURPHY,
I love dogs.  I throw things for them to fetch.  I pat
them on their heads.  I put treats in my hand behind
my back and then ask dogs to pick which hand they're
in.  I do not, however, consult them about who or what
I live with.

Hep says she would never even pat them on their heads.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  WENDI
FROM: BYRON

DEAR HEPCAT,
I KNOW you are very, very busy, which is why our
family DOG has offered to help you with answering
questions.  I think you will like Cocoa.  She is a 6
year old Chocolate Lab and very smart.  She knows her
way from our house to her cousins house and back.  We
don't let her go alone because she steals duck eggs
and murders lizards.  If you still want her help,
write me and I will check her schedule.  She might
even be able to help with "big stupid dog," and I have
to tell your mother that is NOT nice at all.

DEAR WENDI,
The truth is it's not Hep's fault that she's behind
answering questions.  I've been trying to save
gasoline by coasting when I drive and there aren't a
lot of hills around where I live, so there's lots I
don't get to.

Hep waits at home with her teenie beanie at the ready.

Please thank Cocoa for the offer.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  JULIE
FROM: DALLAS, TEXAS

DEAR HEP,
Hep, I can't help but notice that no one has come to
you for advice recently.  Are you well?  Alive? If
not, what happened to you? I do hope you are well.  I
lost 3 of my boys in the last 6 months and it has been
difficult.  I still have Mouthy and she (my only girl
who is really a boy but doesn't know it)  has a goofy
dog, Jango.  We have been concerned about you so
please have your Human give us an update.  If there
is anything we can do for you Hep, let us know.
Money, mice, good litter, a new dress, cds, books -
anything at all we can send you. in the meantime, we
will wish for the best! Oh, and please tell your Human
that we can't wait to see her in DFW - and thanks for
the bookplate!

DEAR JULIE,
Hep says she's fine, but I could use lots of stuff.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  ANDREA
FROM: BEAVERCREEK, OHIO

HEY, HEP CAT!
How do you keep three teenagers from fighting?  I have
a son, 16 and twin girls 15.  I try humor on them but
they think that I am lame or retarded.  They all have
their drivers permits.  Sigh.

Maybe I should feed them cat food?

DEAR ANDREA,
My two teenagers don't fight.  I think it's because
neither often notices the existence of the other.  My
daughter Alley may be America's hope for the gold in
next year's international eye rolling competition at
the X-Games.

Hep says that she eats cat food and that doesn't stop
her from taking a tuft or two off of Rutherford's hind
quarters.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  KRISTEN
FROM: CENTREVILLE, VA.

DEAR HEP:
Do I have hypoglycemia, or am I just crazy?

DEAR KRISTEN,
Hep says she'll need to do more testing and you may
need to see her once a week or more and pay her
thousands of dollars over a period of years.

I think you should just get good rest, drink plenty of
water, and watch Perry Mason occasionally, with a
particular focus on Della.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  ROB
FROM: KANSAS CITY, MO.

DEAR HEPPY:
I'm a 52 year old (but I read at a 65 year old level)
guy who's falling in love with a 26 year old Audrey
who I think has a sense of humor much like yours
(which I love).

Here's the line she came up with today in the optical
goods shoppe where I met her and so, have spent
thousands on glasses lately:

I told her that I'd been diagnosed with pneumonia this
morning and knowing she may have been exposed as well
as a two year old son of her boss Debbie, I took over
a bunch of disinfectant wipes for the CD's and DVD's I
recently loaned her and the Mozart music box I gave to
2 yr old Charlie.

When I mentioned that I might have walking pneumonia
to which Audrey immediately quipped "I wonder if
there's running pneumonia?  jogging pneumonia?"

Audrey is a bass player and lead singer and I play
guitar and sing.

Ask Hep if I should be very careful and keep the
relationship to music please.

I'm gonna tend to want to be a father figure since
Audrey never knew hers and she's been told he held a
gun to Audrey's head when she was born but I don‚t;'
think the father/daughter relationship will be the
right way to go about it.  I think I want to know her
till I die and I have no other friends in town.

We love you Paula and listen to Wait Wait in hopes of
catching you.

ROB, ROB, ROB,
I am flattered that you like my sense of humor and
that you listen to Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me."

Hep shed a bit when I read her your note.  Cats do
that when they get nervous.  She wonders why a guy who
walks enough to get pneumonia, plays the guitar and
sings, plus has enough money to afford a Mozart music
box and disinfectant wipes has no friends.  She said I
should ask you how well you play the guitar and if
they were off brand wipes.

She says that the Audrey-Father-daughter-love-whatever
are the mad ravings of a man who's had the catnip
mouse in his mouth too long.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  GLORIA
FROM: AMBOISE, FRANCE

DEAR HEPCAT,
I have two of your race and hope to end my life in a
house with a minimum of 40 cats to get the title,
Crazy old cat-lady dies in house surrounded by cats.
Do you think 40 is the minimum number or should I have
a higher goal?

GLORIA,
Are you really in France?  Hep loves all things
French.  She ate the hair off of the Madeline doll.
She likes to make me Miserables.

She says that you're assuming you'll die with forty
cats.  There is a far more horrific alternative and
that's living with forty cats.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  HEATHER and JORN
FROM: ORLANDO, FLORIDA

DEAR PAULA and HEP,
We recently adopted William, and added him to the
existing household consisting of Pip and Stripey.
There's been a bit of a power struggle/coup with
regards to the role of Alpha Cat.  My fiancé and I
refuse to run or finance election campaigns, and since
NONE of these cats should be appointed by divine
providence, we thought we'd ask Hep to decide.  Or
flip a coin, whichever is easier.  Thank you so very
much for the amazing Tampa Bay performance!

HEATHER, JORN, PIP, STRIPEY, AND WILLIAM,
I'm never quite sure who the duly elected leader is
among our eleven.  There must be an election coming up
soon though, because I heard a debate in the ballroom
last night around 2:00 AM.  Both candidates were under
a table puffed up, growling, with their ears back and
a paw in the air, when I turned on the light.  I
thought it was an odd format.

I'm sure you guys will have it all worked out long
before we post this which is good because Hep is at
her French lesson now and is therefore unavailable for
comment.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME: MONICA
FROM: SAVANNAH, GEORGIA

DEAR HEP,
I woke up last night and found my 3 cats reading your
articles.  In short, I have learned to turn off my
computer at night and that yes, somehow they could
have more disdain for me.  Anyway, I just wanted to
ask with everything looking so bright for democrats,
what fatal error will we make to lose the white house
again and can it be avoided?

MONICA,
Hep wonders what lenses you're wearing that make
things look bright for the Democrats.  She says that
just because Brittle draws scorn for dragging chicken
bones out of the trash can doesn't mean Laurel shines
for pulling the foam out of the office chair.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  MATTHEW
FROM:  ST. CATHERINES, CANADA

DEAR HEPPY,
Will I ever have sex with my current girlfriend?  And
if so when?  I'm getting very impatient.

DEAR MATTHEW,
Hep wondered aloud if you send these kind of emails to
your current girlfriend.  She says that could explain
the delay.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  ANDREW
FROM:  PHILADELPHIA, PA

DEAR HEP,
Do you know a plant that can survive in a dank room
that receives very little straight-ahead sunlight?
I'm looking at the city right now, and I'd rather look
at a pretty flower.

Goodbye for meow.

DEAR ANDREW,
Hep says, as if I didn't know, that she has eaten
every flower we've ever had in our house.  She wasn't
aware they were supposed to survive.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  CAROL
FROM: CLEVELAND, OHIO

DEAR HEP,
I have two cats that I named after seeing "Pirates of
the Caribbean-Curse of the Black Pearl" (twenty-two
times in the theater). I named one after Johnny Depp's
character, Sparrow, and the other after his favorite
word, Savvy.  The one named Sparrow thinks she really
is a pirate.  Should I seek pet therapy for her, or
should I just hide my valuables?

DEAR CAROL,
Hep couldn't get beyond the part where you saw that
movie twenty-two times in the theater.  That's gotta
be over $1,000 in popcorn alone.  I can't imagine
that much unidentifiable sticky stuff on my shoes and
when I explained how that happens Hep winced as though
I had pulled her whiskers, although I never would.

I watch the same Columbo night after night to fall
asleep (the Robert Culp), but I don't sit through
previews, park, or risk walking out with a napkin
stuck to my shoe.

Hep says that for no money at all you can look out the
window at night and get freaked out by your own
reflection.  She's surprised that you think it's the
cats who need therapy.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  MELISSA
FROM: EVERETT, WA

DEAR HEP CAT,
I have a girly kitty named Honey.  The vet says she's
anywhere from 10 to 16 years old.  She's doing weird
things like yelling while she drags socks, shirts,
pants into the living room.  I praise her because it
seems the right thing to do.  What is old girly
thinking?  Thank you in advance for your insite.

DEAR MELISSA,
Hep wants to know if that's the same Honey who used to
work at Nordstrom's?

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  RICHARD
FROM: SANTA BARBARA, CA

DEAR HEP,
I'm in a literature class filled with beautiful young
Women, but I'm really attracted to my teacher, who is
in her mid forties and married.  What should I do Hep?

DEAR RICHARD,
Hep says that because she is fixed, she is able to
just focus on the literature in her class.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  HEMI
FROM: SARASOTA, FLORIDA

YO, HEP!
How U Doin?  My name is Hemi, my pops gave me that
name cause I have extra toes.  Hemingways cats do.  So
anyways whats new which you?  I hope you didn't get
any of dat tainted food!  That was some bad news!  I
told my pops he should start feeding me fresh fish
everyday just to be safe but he didn't go for it. LOL

So anyways here's my question:

What do I have to do to get wit you!  wooo hooo.

Na just kiddin.

What don't paula have no videos on youtube? huh?

Love ya.

DEAR HEMI,
Not to gross you out, but Hep vomits her food back up
again so fast it never occurred to me to worry about
whether it was tainted.  It's just not in her long
enough to kill her, besides I got some excellent
bargains on recalled food in bulk.  Your note was the
first she had heard about the existence of tainted pet
food.

Now she's mad at me and won't come out from behind the
chair to answer the question about my videos on
youtube.  I can tell you that I think there are some.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  CINDY
FROM: DUBUQUE, IOWA

HI, HEPPY,
You have a particularly sleek and alert appearance.
Are you from Iowa?  My husband is from Iowa and tells
me that all alert people come from here.  I don't know
if that applies to cats.

DEAR CINDY,
Hep simply glowed when I read her your note.  She says
it's possible that she's from Iowa, in fact, after
insisting that I read your note again, she said she's
pretty sure she is from Iowa.

I can't help wondering how small your computer screen
is.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  SUE
FROM: DAVENPORT, IOWA

DEAR HEP,
I have 2 e-mail addresses, and I put one in the name
of one of my cats Rocky.  Before the last big
election, we were surprised to see that Rock was
getting e-mail after e-mail from Bruce Braley, who was
running for Congress.  Rocky is not a Democrat.  After
all, everyone knows cats are independent.  Anyway, are
you at all politically active?  Braley did win, so I
was also wondering if you've noticed any other
candidates trying to get that crucial kitty vote?

DEAR SUE,
Although certainly not sleep and alert enough to be
from Iowa, Hep has long followed Bruce Braley.  She
regrets that he would deny any sort of amnesty for
illegal immigrants, but welcomes his efforts on
children's health care.

She says not every politician has the wisdom to seek
the kitty vote.  There can be drawbacks of course.
She says the promise of a ball with a bell in it in
every home clouds the vision of most feline voters on
every issue but global warming.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  RACHEL
FROM: LINCOLN, NEBRASKA

DEAR HEP,
Happy belated rabbit day!  Hope U and your's had a
good one.  You apparently r a cat person so I have a
few questions.  My cat (Emmitt) is the devil.  First
of all he lyed about his gender for two and a half
months.  I picked out a cute little white cat with big
blue eyes and pink nose and ears and was told she was
a girl.  I named "her" Emma.  He, she was on my lap
when I discovered the truth, Emma was a Emmitt.  She
was the perfect cat up until that point, the willy
didn't stop me from loving the faker, but he knew the
jig was up, he was busted.

I haven't been around a lot of cats but Emmitt is odd
or crazy.  He climbs up door frames, he literally
scales the door frame, uses his paws to move to the
middle of the frame and does a weird cat pullup thing.
 He talks back, sharpens his claws in the tub (I was
considering attaching green scrubby things to his
paws) hauls a ball around the house like he's a dog
and stashes stuff in the shower so when I turn on the
shower it gets stuck in the drain.  I have now became
a pro at plumbing.  He has even jumped onto the back
of the couch meyoed to get my attention and as soon as
I looked at him he looked at the pic on the wall and
knocked it down with his dirty little cat paw.  He
also uses the back porch railing as a jungle gym (I
have pics and the people I show them to agree that
he's not normal).

So is this natural or do I have a VERY special (CRAZY)
cat?

He is now sleeping with his little pink tongue
sticking out of his mouth looking like an angel, but I
know better.

Have a Day!

DEAR RACHEL,
Hep smirked when I read her the part about Emmitt
knocking a picture off your wall.  She said there's
hardly a cat in our house that hasn't laid a paw on my
framed 101 Dalmations poster in the livingroom.  So, I
guess that part's not exactly a rare trait among
felines.

She said she thought pulling up on the door frame and
the back porch railing seems unusual, but the truth is
we have no cats fit enough to pull up on anything but
the side of the cat dish.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME: Anna
FROM: Phoenix, AZ

Hi Heppy:

Do cats hallucinate?  I mean, why do things seem so
normal and calm, and then all of a sudden, a cat will leap up with this look that on me would mean "Holy Christ, I left the oven on!" and go tearing off into another room to hide under a bed.  I mean, really.

Anna:

Hep says that sometimes cats become overwhelmed by
their fears of global warming.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME: Wendy
From: Glenndale, MD

Dear Hep:

Do you think cats will suffer from global warming?

WENDY:

Hep says that cats are already suffering from global
warming.  She says that it is the single greatest
threat to civilization that we face and that cats
think about it a lot.  Sometimes they hide under beds.
She says that's why they get nervous in cars.  I had
no idea.  She said that if I had a bed she'd hide
under it.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  Midge
FROM: Portland, OR

Dear Heppy:

My handsome three-legged Siamese, Maxwell, is sending
me mixed messages.  I need an interpreter!  When I pet
him, his motor runs loud and clear.  But he's flicking
his tail at the same time like he's annoyed with me!
Is he simply multi-tasking and flicking at flies or is
there something I need to know?

Midge:

My sister Patty had a Midge doll when we were little
and my Siamese cat King Tut chewed it's upper torso,
so I think its especially brave of you to own a
Siamese.  Hep says that cats love to be pet.  It makes
them feel peace, pleasure and happiness.  She says they often savagely attack the person petting them because, like humans, cats can only tolerate so much
peace, pleasure and happiness, which is a lucky break
for the dominatrix industry.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME: Enzo
FROM: Seattle, WA

Hi Hep:

I need to adjust my diet and loose some weight.  I've
been exercising more, but have a hard time cutting out
the chicken and the cheetos.  Are there any low fat
health foods that taste like Cheetos and fried
chicken.?

Enzo:

Hep says she has licked every food that has sat on our
kitchen counter for more than a second without an
armed sentry protecting it and she does not know of
any low fat health food that tastes like Cheetos and
fried chicken.  She also wants to know what low fat
health food is?

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME: Keith
FROM: Kansas City, Missouri

What's the best way to control mice in the garage
without using poison that might transfer to my cats or
dog?

Keith:

Hep wants to know, if the cats are in the garage, why
you would need poison to get rid of mice.  She says
don't worry about the dog.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  JoAnne
FROM: Darien, IL

Dear Hep:

Do you know why cats love grass (the lawn variety) so
much?  You eat it and then throw it up while
running through the house.  Do you think there are not
enough green stains on the carpet or do you have a
mouse rib stuck in your throat?

Also my Lurleen Marie (a sexy 13 year old Tortie)
would like a date with you.  She loves your eyes and
thinks they would accent her collar.

If not, then she wonders if she could get a pawtograph
(and if you could rub on it a bit she'd be thrilled!).

JoAnne:

Hep says, and I've long suspected this, that nothing
makes her feel less at home than clean carpet. Being an indoor cat, she says that although she's curious
about this grass she sees from the window, it's
probably no better or worse than the Meow Mix or
whatever that bright orange kibble is that she
regularly hurls onto our rug.

In fact, as I write this, my cat Deacon (who is part
moose and named after Richard Deacon) is making
choking sounds while resting on the chair beside me,
and she's too fat to even perch at the window to look
at the grass.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  Cameron
FROM: Prague, OK

Dear Heppy:

I can't afford to put 20% down.  My broker says it
will cost less to take out a combination first and
second mortgage, where the second would provide
another 10% down, than to put 10% down on a first
mortgage and mortgage insurance premiums.  He says
that even though the rate on the second is high, I'll
come out ahead because the interest on the second is
deductible.  Mortgage insurance premiums are not.  Is
he right?

Cameron:

Hep rents.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  Jodi
FROM: Eagan, MN

Hi, Hep:

My cat, Salem, meows too much. Don't get me wrong, I
love that he's vocal, but no amount of attention seems
to be enough!

Help Hep!!!!

Jodi:

Hep says, if there were such a thing as enough
attention, there'd be a standard measure for it, like
a cup of water or a pound of cat food.  One could have
a cat full of attention, but there's no such thing.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME: John
FROM: Washington, DC

Hi, Hep:

Thanks for everything - and the opportunity to get
Hep's advice.

My question is - and don‚t get me wrong, I'm not a
cynic - if prayer works, why doesn't someone pray for
world peace!

I don't pray because I'm an atheist, but I heard it
works.  What does Hep think of all this?

Please extend my thanks to Hep for his comments.

And thanks to you, Paula!  Please know you are loved
greatly!

John:

Hep lives in a mixed household.  I am an atheist, but
as you can see our cat Jem is deeply religious.  We
try to allow everyone their own beliefs.

Hep wrestles with these deep questions like any Tabby.
 For example, we have the The Irish Rovers, Greatest
Hits CD in the kitchen with the song about Noah
collecting the animals two by two according to God's
wishes, but being unable to capture the unicorns and Hep wonders why we play it.

By the way, in my opinion most people couldn't
tolerate peace.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  Susan
FROM:  San Francisco, CA

Hey Hepcat ,

My own cat, Macintosh, is a very bossy brown tabby.
What can I do to curb this?

Susan,

Hep says don't do what your cat says.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  Helen
FROM:  Vallejo, CA

Dear Hep ,

My cat swallowed a feather.  I didn’t see him swallow
it but I know he did because I saw it sticking out of
his butt.  I got a paper towel and tried to pull it
out, but it just made his eyes bug out.  What should I
do?

Helen,

Hep says try to get him to flap.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME: Dottie the Cat
FROM:  Indianapolis, IN

Dear Hep ,

My family is moving and I'm afraid I won't like my new
home.  How shall I prepare myself?

Dottie the Cat,

Hep says you might consider hiding behind some dusty
pipes in the new dwelling and then peeing in an
undisclosed location so that everytime your owner’s enter their home they practically
hyperventilate trying to find the source of the bad
smell. .  She says it's
always worked for her.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  Michael
FROM:  Seattle, WA

Hello Hep,

My housecat Pokey instructed me to forward this note,
or risk having another Italian leather sofa shredded.

Pokey noted that Paula is coming to Seattle in a
couple of weeks, and Pokey would like to see the show.
Could Hep provide some advice on how to gain lawful
admission into the theater for a fun-loving, talkative, and fully
adorable housecat?

And Pokey also wonders if Paula is kind enough to let
Hep travel with her, being the favorite and all.

Michael,

Hep is on the FBI no fly list.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

NAME:  Suellen
FROM:  Tacoma, WA

Dear Hepcat,

I love the way my carpet looks right after I vacuum,
but then my cats, Madison and Emily, walk all over it
and get their paw-prints everywhere!  How can I get
them to stop?  Your reply is greatly anticipated.
Thank you.  Suellen (We got tickets to Paula's Seattle
show on Friday the 13th of April!!!!  All our life
goals have now been completed.)

Suellen,

Hep says feed Madison and Emily feathers and then try
to get them to flap.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Shelby in Shalem, VA

Dear Heppy:
Will I have sex before I get married?

Dear Shelby:

Hopefully.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Carrie 

Dear Heppy:

We have four cats.  At what point are you considered a "cat nut?" I just want to know so that I can stop one short.

P.S.  The last cat we adopted is a FIV, hyperthyroid cat that we have to keep separate from the others.  Does she count as more than one?

Dear Carrie:

You can have any amount of cats and still be sane, but Hep says, when you begin writing to one you're certifiable.

Write again soon.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Jokitty in Corvallis, OR

Dear Hep Cat:

I have this really big cat named Monster and he has the longest tail in the history of the world.  Sometimes he curls it around my neck when I am sitting on the couch.  Is his tail moving independently of his body or is he trying to kill me?  What is it with him stalking me till I clean the kitty pooper?  Doesn't he understand I have other things to do?

Dear Jokitty:

Hep says, and I agree, that there is nothing more important than cleaning the litter boxes, unless it's cleaning out the lizard tank.

She also says that no cat controls their own tail and then her tail poked her in the eye.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Jay in West Hollywood, CA

Dear Hep,

My cat, Chloe, has an affinity for the heater in our bathroom.  Whenever I enter the room, she stands in front of the heater and meows until I turn it on.  When the heater is turned on, she sits in front of it, staring at it, transfixed, as if looking for the answers to the great mysteries of kitty life.

Hep, what is Chloe seeing in the heater that interests her so?

Dear Jay:

Heat.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From:  Cynthia in W. Henrietta, NY

Dear Hepcat,

Hepcat, when I scritch my fingers down the spine of any cat that I have ever met, inevitably they will arch their back in apparent ecstasy.

Am I right about this?  Is this exercise the cause of feline delight and pleasure?  Or am I really mistaken and should  never do this again?  My name for it:  Kitty Spine Tinglers.

Dear Cynthia:

Hep says keep doing it.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From:  RM Watts in New Orleans, LA

Dear Hepcat,

My cat, Roy Batty, stayed behind when we evacuated for Hurricane Katrina.  There was over 9 feet of water in our street & Batty survived by climbing into the walls and living in the ceiling.  He was up there for 2 weeks and took a long time to forgive us.  We now call him The Cat Who Lived.  My question is what to do if we have to evacuate for another storm.  We have two dogs, one of whom Batty puts up with & the other he despises.  He also hates the car and I worry if we evacuated with him he'd just run off the first chance he got. 
Thanks.

Dear RM Watts:

First of all, Hep and I both sincerely apologize for our almost F.E.M.A. response time to your question.  We're sorry, RM, for how you suffered in this disaster and, Batty, for whatever disgusting things you may have found in the ceiling, although it's probably not half as bad as what you left.

I was reluctant to read your question to Hep for fear that she'd realize that we have no viable disaster plan.  Since I read it to her, I can tell that she has put her own plan in place.  Every few nights my cats have a drill where they hide in the Tupperware cabinet and count off.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From:  Tim in Dallas, TX

Dear Hep,

Catnip flavored Pop Tarts.
What do you think?

Dear Tim:

I read Hep your note.  We both made a gagging noise.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From Michael  

Dear Heppy,

My boyfriends cat "Fisher" likes to put her butt in my face when I'm watching tv.  Why do you think that is?  Do any of the other 9 cats you live with do this to Paula or the kids?

Dear Michael:

Hep says there was a study where one group of people stared at tv 3  hours each night and another group stared at a cat's butt.  The cat's butt people lost weight.  Aren't you lucky that your boyfriend's cat cares about you.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Cathy
I have a cat just like Hep! I just wanted to say you’re the best and I once was a heavy drinker, etc. Can't wait to see you on stage.

To:  Cathy
Hep says she doesn't drink.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From:  Sharilyn Osburn
I think you are absolutely hilarious.  What tapes do you have and how can I get them.  Sorry, um hep, where can I get Paula's tapes.  And is she coming to Ohio ever.
Thanks, Sharilyn

To: Sharilyn
Hep says that she could care less about my tapes or whether I go to Ohio, so long as theirs food in her bowl, but that suitable for framing 3x5 photographs of herself are available for the asking.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Scott Gilbert
Hey, Hepcat - my cat, Jack, decapitates mice and leaves the bloody carcass on my pillow in the middle of the night - is there any way to curb this gruesome behavior?

To: Scott
Hep says get rid of your pillow.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Jennifer Gates
We recently went through a strange experience with a member of your species.  After dutifully reporting every morning and every night for years for morning and evening feedings, 2.5 months ago, they disappeared!   A posting came out on the Animal Shelter website that an animal with the same coloring and approx age had been run over by a car and picked up across the street from our address.  We resigned ourselves to the fact that they were not coming back.  Then suddenly, this morning, they reappeared (much thinner but certainly them).  My question is: I know cats have nine lives.  How can I tell how many they have left?

To: Jennifer
Hep says you can find out how many lives a cat has left by cutting them in half and counting the rings, but that if they were at eight you're screwed.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Bruce of San Luis Obispo
Hi! I'm in a 12 step program for recovering Republicans. It's a small group and relapse is high; especially when Turner re-plays "Patton" or anything that stars Charlton Heston (10 Commandments is a real trigger for most).  Only by attending daily meetings and practicing random acts of senseless kindness do we avoid the paranoid, Neantdathal like thought processes that my homegroup refers to as "stinking thinking".
But I digress…
My question to Hep is this:
I've heard rumors recently that George W. is the end product of a 30 year, highly secretive program of genetic engineering. Rumor has it that George Jr. is the result of a selective breeding program using primarily first cousins.  Neither Drudge nor Smoking Gun seem to have picked up on this, but it would certainly explain a great deal of recent events.
I know that this is a question that requires a bit of critical thinking, but I trust that Hep is up to the challenge.  Besides she probably has more time on her paws to do the research than most.  Thanks.

To:  Bruce of San Luis Obispo
Hepcat got a kick out of your letter because she loves to make fun of humans.  She says that whether the president was cloned, genetically engineered of came free in a box of Lucky Charms, the fact is Americans elected him twice.  She says voting is no way to select a leader.  A real leader, Hep says, is the member of the group who most often holds the head of another with their front paws while kicking it with their back paws.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From:  Pez
Could you please ask Hep a question for me?  I would like to know whether Hep ever performs with you?  (Though I do realize if she were on stage also, it would really be "you" performing with "her").  If she didn't like the smell of so many humans in one place, she could teleconference in, or even call in on the phone.
Please tell her that I am so excited to have gotten the best seats in the house for your performance in Tucson in September, and I do hope that Hep will consider coming too.  I'd so like to see her live.  And you, too, of course.

Yours, hers, etc.

To:  Pez
With the exception of singing near the shower, Hep does very little performing.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From:  Hans Gronkvst
Can you tell me why my cat Nene prefers to sleep on the door mat, considering that there are cleaner places in my house?
P.S. Listen to Wait Wait every Sunday morning on my computer.

To:  Hans
This behavior puzzled Hep.  She says normally, if there are any clean places in a house a cat would sleep on them just to mess them up.  She said that cats in Sweden may be different because their pancakes are so thin.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Michael Rothbaum
My friend has a cat that she named "Spot," merely because of a spot on the cat's very cute face.
But…. being encumbered with what is traditionally a dog's name has left Spot with a number of canine characteristics… namely, Spot comes when called, sits and stands on his hind legs when commanded.
So, Hep--are most cats constitutionally unable to do these things, or are they simply too proud to bother?  Are you proud of kitties who can manage such feats, or are they merely violating the International Feline Code?

To: Michael
Hepcat puffed up when I read her your letter.  She said if she could get her front paws on Spot's head she'd kick it with her hind paws.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Lori
Date: October 4, 2004
My birthday is coming up in late January, and for my birthday celebration, I am going to see your mommy at McCurdy's Comedy Club in Sarasota, Florida.  What are the odds she might do me the honor of signing a Pop-Tarts box for me?

To: Lori
When Hepcat realized she missed your birthday three years in a row, she coughed up a fur ball.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

From: Sleidy

Heppy, describe your ideal date.

To: Sleidy
I never thought of Hepcat as romantic, but it's clear she has been thinking about this for years, maybe since Lori's birthday in 2004.
She was cleaning her belly when I asked her, she stopped with one hind leg sticking up in the air and spoke softly with a far away look in her eye.
She said on her ideal date, after an hour or two of chasing a ball with a bell in it around the house, she and her special someone would knock "Call Of The Wild and Stuart Little off of the bookshelf and the climb in the cabinet with the Tupperware bowls in the kitchen and spill all of the lids out onto the floor.  Then she stopped talking and just stared into space.  When I checked back an hour later, her hind leg was still in the air.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

Name: Sully Bonn
Date: 4/6/05

I have a 5 l/2 year old "tuxedo" cat named Alfredo (he's a tenor). He hates my husband, can't stand to be in the same room with him. I've had Eric for 26 years so I can't put him up for adoption. What can I do to make these two guys get along? Help!

DEAR SULLY BONN:

Beethoven's mother, who lived in Bonn, Germany told a neighbor girl that marriage was a "misery." Hep says that, although it's a long shot, Alfredo may be a direct descendant of the wise Mrs. B. and suggests you get him a piano.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

Name: kelli
Date: 4/8/05

I would ask my own cats about this, but their vocabulary is limited to "ME!" and "NOW!" (Perhaps they have nothing else to say.) Anyway, how would they know the answer to this question? Hep seems better informed.

We are fans of Science Court and wonder if the show's connection to Wichita is real, or coincidental, or imaginary. That big round squigglevision building by the river -- the one with the blue roof? That's ours. How did it make it onto the show? We've been CURIOUS for a long time now. (And Clara says you should answer ME. NOW.) I, being more polite, thank you for your time and consideration.

DEAR KELLI:

Hep has never seen " Science Court." I can't get her interested in any part of my career, even an animated fun show that teaches real scientific principals.

Unfortunately, I don't know the answer to your question either. It might be set in Wichita. I love it there. On the other hand, I don't drive a motorcycle in real life and my hair is not blue - so it's not all based on fact. Hep won't even look at pictures of me. My Manager, Bonnie just looked at this and says you could call the production company that did the show, ask for the creators, and ask them. The company is Tom Snyder Productions (now called Soup 2 Nuts), 617 926 6000.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

Name: Psychotic Goddess Wanna-be
Date: 4/10/05

Hepster...

Just curious about who stays with you when your roommate, Paula, is out of town?

Tell the roommate...AWESOME Laugh down at the KAN---ASSSSSSSS performance.....

DEAR PSYCHOTIC GODDESS WANNA-BE,

Beautiful name. Hep says she doesn't really care if I stay home with her or not.. Our babysitter pets her more than I do, but I also think Hepcat is a little jealous of my career. I was hoping she could be happy for me.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

Name: Colleen
Date: 4/16/05

I need to know...why do cats sometimes do that "running around very fast for no reason at all" thing?

DEAR COLLEEN:

Hep says, "What do you mean 'for no reason at all'?"

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

Name: Jill
Date: 4/16/05

Dear Hep-

I have a three year old cat named Serena who is very sweet to me but rather aggressive with anyone else who comes in the house - even those people who live there too (my husband and daughter). I think she is ready to assert her dominance on another cat and think we should get her a kitten, what do you think?

Thanks Hep!

Jill

DEAR JILL,

Hep points out that if Serena eats the kitten it'll keep her off your husband and daughter. That might work. She also suggests you might just visit your husband and daughter on the weekend.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

Name: Molly
Date: 4/10/05

Hello Hep Cat and Paula,

I have just a few questions. First, and this is to be directed to Hep herself, how do you get along with all those other animals - especially the other cats? My two cats hate each other to the point of drawing blood. Any input would be greatly appreciated as you appear to be very wise and puffy.

Also - if you had a great job opportunity in Cleveland, Ohio - would you move there? Or is it a lame city?

Thanks so much! (And Paula, I've just started watching Home Movies with my sweetheart - you were awesome!!)

My best regards and a kiss on the nose of Hep Cat,

Molly

DEAR MOLLY:

First of all, Hep thanks you for the kiss on the nose that I was forced to administer. She didn't respond quickly to your query because she really doesn't know much about relocating. She has always been in Santa Monica, although she has switched houses twice. She hopes that, if you do move to Cleveland, you remember to hide behind a chair and puff up as soon as you get there.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

Name: Katryn Richardson & Ed Wrobel
Date: 3/20/05

We have a 15-yr-old cat named C.B. (Cyrano de Bergerac). He is a large cat, and in pretty good health now that we finally found the right amount of medication to control his seizures. However, he seems to be EXTREMELY particular about certain things, food being one of them. Could Hep Cat please tell us how to get him to let us know which flavor food he wants BEFORE we open the can?? This one thing would save so much money from the cat food budget that we might actually be able to buy a new litter box AND take a vacation!! Please help! Katryn and Ed

DEAR KATRYN & ED,
Hep lives with an older cat, Annabelle, who has bad teeth. She is a picky eater, but it turns out it's the texture of the food that she often refuses and not the flavor. So, Hep recommends that you get your 15-year-old cat smushy food or smush it yourself - or send it to Hep, who will eat it without complaint.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

Name: Larry
Date: 3/18/05

hey hep...btw, do the others tease you about your name?....i can hear it now....."hey!.....stay away from him...you'll catch hep c!"....or, if you are out too long in the summer heat, do you get a Kat Hepburn?....oh, i am off the subject at hand....anyway, hep, remember when there were those commercials for Meow Mix where they had the cats "dancing" by editing the film forward and backward in a hurky-jerky fashion?....wasn't that just demeaning?.....why was it that none of you spoke up and demanded that the ad be pulled?.....it made your whole species look rather foolish, don't you think?..... anyway, hep, it was probably before your time, but do you think the cat family is owed some type of reparation for all the pain and oppression?.....curious....oh, i hope you will give an honest answer about the ad EVEN IF you still enjoy the Meow Mix....i mean, you gotta eat somethin, y'know....especially when your appetite’s pokin at ya, pokin at ya.....

xo....larry

DEAR LARRY,

Hep says that the Meow Mix commercials went largely unscrutinized because some cats do dance. The cat litter commercials, however, depicting cats mouths in a shape as though making an "oooh" sound and their elbows bent sideways were boycotted by nearly every feline. Not one cat bought that cat litter. Cat activism is a powerful force.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM: Pilar Johnson
DATE: 3/18/05

HELLO:

I've been luring my neighbor's cat into my house with cat treats. She comes in the house, walks around, attacks the carpet, but refuses to sit on my lap and be patted. Any tips on how to get her to sit and watch tv with me?

Pilar

P.S. I'm not creepy or anything.

PILAR,

Hep says she knows you're not creepy and, of course, you know you're not creepy, but just in case someone else doesn't know, maybe you should leave off "luring"
anyone into your house.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM: Cindy Reuss
DATE: 3/18/05

HELLO HEP CAT,

I have two cats, (both female), one is very sweet and docile and the other is very funny and jealous. I love them both, but the funny/jealous cat (Tess) is always beating up the sweet/docile cat (Saki), especially if I pet Saki. How do I get Tess to stop being so mean? By the way, Tess talks to me all the time, but won't discuss this topic with me. I've told Saki to let Tess have it and maybe then Tess would quit picking on her. How can I convice Tess that I still love her even when i give some attention to Saki? By the way, I have had Saki longer than I have had Tess.
Can't wait to hear your advice.

Cindy

CINDY,

As I read Hep your note her head moved thoughtfully back and forth struggling to keep Saki and Tess, Tess and Saki straight. Tess came first? Saki came first?
I read it to her over and over. She finally said, "Tell them to send me a dollar. That'll help."

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM: Sally Senger
DATE: 2/18/05

HEP:

My name is Mickey. I'm a beautiful white cat belonging to the Sengers. But I am also a bully. I chase my brothers out of their special places and just can't help it. How can I stop doing this? I also have Sally trained to remove the top from the fancy kitty litter box so I can go. I don't like the top on it.
Sometimes I wake her up to do this but she ignores me which isn't very nice. I think I'll report her to the ASPCA, what do you think?

My owner saw your show at McCurdy's in Sarasota and says she absolutely loved every minute. You actually talked to her and she about fainted she told me. I hope you come to Florida again soon so she will be out of the house for at least 2 hrs!

Mickey

MICKEY:

Hep says there's nothing wrong with rousting fellow cats. She does also wonder about anybody who would faint from talking to me. She says your owner might have swallowed a kids toy or eaten a bad bug.

Yours,

Paula Poundstone

FROM: Chuck
DATE: 2/13/05

DEAR HEPPY:

I am allergic to cats and it dismays me greatly. I love cats! Hep, can cats can have allergies to people? I'm really just curious if we humans are pretty much alone in this humilating and debilitating disorder.

Chuck