This Saturday night I'm gonna be in Clinton Township, MI http://www.macombcenter.com and I want to congratulate them on becoming a ship. [#]

The Partridge Family kept their garage so nice, it always made me feel bad about myself. That, and the music. [#]

This Fri. I'm gonna be telling my little jokes in York, PA, which was named after Dick York from BEWITCHED http://www.strandcapitol.org [#]

The Joneses have slowed down and I still can't keep up. [#]

I notice, in the book CESAR'S WAY, by the Dog Whisperer, his solution to every problem is to walk the dog. I'll let you know if it helps. [#]

I forgot the Oscars were tonight. I'll have to wear boxers and a halter top because my gown's not ready. Oh, bother. [#]

Playing a show in Santa Barbara, CA at 7:00 PM today at UC Santa Barbara's Campbell Hall Theater http://artistdata.com/a/290 [#]

Larry King asked the Dalai Lama about Tiger Woods, which is great because he hasn't really had a chance to think about Tiger Woods, or golf [#]

I hope it's not too late to tell Santa Barbara adjacents that I'll be telling my little jokes there https://artsandlectures.sa.ucsb.edu [#]

I feel like I'm working my ass off, but when I reach back, there it is, and it seems to be thriving. [#]

My kids and I are running the snack bar at a gym meet. We're like the Stooges. I think some hot dogs may have escaped for free. [#]

The last time I took Southwest to Oakland I fell asleep on the plane, and flew to Portland. Now I'm flying SW to Sacramento. I'm worried. [#]

Playing a show in Sacramento, CA at 8:00 PM today at Crest Theatre http://artistdata.com/a/1tq [#]

My kids and I worked at the snack bar gymnastics meet tonight. We were like the Stooges. I think some hot dogs went out cold. [#]

Now that the Olympics are over, everyone seems to be back to ignoring curling. Odd. [#]

Why do I have this feeling that the whole world is sneaking around behind my back? What? I heard that. [#]

have a Reality T.V. show idea: Each week we have a Canadian live in a house where everyone explains to him that hockey is just a game. [#]

After news of a kid getting a turn to do air traffic control, I panicked when a toddler boarded my flight. Fortunately he cried in the back. [#]

wait wait... this weekend. [#]

Djoo hear the kid doing the Air Traffic Control job at JFK? I advise you not to fly at all on "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day." [#]

Sacramento sat,3/6 2 best-seat tkts. tweet @paulapoundstone why U want em by 6p weds (3/3) pst http://www.thecrest.com/calendar/calendar.cfm [#]

I'm gonna be part of an Arts and Lectures series at UCSB on Sunday. I'm art https://artsandlectures.sa.ucsb.edu [#]

Although I have known the words to th Hermans Hermits Henry The 8th song since I was a child, I just understood them Sunday night. [#]

I can see where rugby could be fun if you knew the rules,and no one tackled you. [#]

I don't know what you take for this, but my enthusiasm is waning. [#]

I do seem to have a habit of putting the wrong date down for these shows. I'll be in Sacramento this Sat. March 6, 1978. Can't wait. [#]

I've decided to be funnier than I usually am in Sacramento on March 3 http://www.thecrest.com/calendar/expand.cfm?EventID=3282 [#]

Partisan bad blood builds:Mitch McConnell seen painting picture of train tunnel opening on solid wall of Democrats' cloak room in Senate. [#]

The Washington Post said today that manure had become so abundant as to be a pollutant, but it turned out they meant from cows. [#]

I'm gaining weight for the Tsunami. [#]

If jowls ever come into fashion I'm gonna be on the cover of every magazine but RANGER RICK. [#]

Hard to get to the theater in Bellingham, WA tonight. Lots of streets blocked and packed since my Theodore Pie Youtube vid went viral. [#]

My Theodore Pie video went up from 313 views to 316 views. Hold on! We're going viral folks! [#]

The security line at Alaska Airlines is huge today, because they are wanding, and lint-lifting each passenger. I have 13 cats. Works for me. [#]

NBC can't afford Leno after Conan's severance. THEODORE PIE UNEXPECTED PICK http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJXx32lsoc0 [#]

I heard a lot of celebrities have "people" to do their Twitter for them. Who will? I can't even farm out sifting my litter boxes. [#]

I just met with some really nice guys from "Ustream." I was the only one wearing hipboots. I thought it was a fishing company [#]

I'm gonna be in Bellingham, WA tomorrow night. It's silly for me to go if you don't http://www.mountbakertheatre.com/events [#]

If the rest of you would take more naps I think I could catch up. [#]

Why was Michelle Obama on Larry King last week? She knows nothing about Anna Nicole Smith. [#]

When the toilet paper roller came out of the wall, chips of plaster with it as it fell, I had no idea it would be the highlight of my day. [#]

I'm listening to a book of philosophy. It's hurting my head. RAMONA THE PEST is better. [#]

I'm in Sacramento 3/8. Great I can go to the deficit museum http://www.thecrest.com/calendar/expand.cfm?EventID=3282 [#]

I'm gonna be at U. of CA Santa Barbara on 3/7. I'll graduate that night https://artsandlectures.sa.ucsb.edu/Details.aspx?PerfNum=1535 [#]

This Week Washington Parallyzed By Forty Degrees And Cloudy. [#]

There is no square for a day like today on the board of THE GAME OF LIFE. [#]

I played The Game of Life with my kids the other day. It's not very realistic. [#]

I'm looking forward to the great crowds, and colonial history of Bellingham, WA 2/26 Bellingham, Wa http://www.mountbakertheatre.com/events [#]